2:30am and still laughing.

harry carey here:  i’m curious like a cat

3 for 3

well, in an attempt to create an environment where people can come and enjoy a meal while meeting new friends and spending time with old friends, “two wheel tuesday” seems to be attracting quite a bit of attention.  it just happens to be the attention of the cabarrus county sherriff’s department.  for the past three weeks that “two wheel tuesday” has occurred, the police have responded to the call of aparent “unhappy” neighbors.  the three reports: cars parked within 20 feet of an intersection, riding a honda 50 motorcyle (known as ‘da fify’), and the latest impeeding traffic.  wonder what rediculous offense next week will bring?

its frustrating to try to build relationships with some neighbors when others seem to be trying to stop everything you try to do.

a different friday night

after rocking out at the uc studios for 80’s open mic night i caught up with two friends of mine.  there roommate was having his 21st birthday party and they didn’t want to be around too much, but i said “hey i will hang out with you guys.  it would be fun.”  so i met my friends at an undisclosed location where they were getting some goodies for some good laughs later on. 

we pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 (actually it was 10:30 but i couldn’t resist the fresh prince reference).  we went in side (me still wearing my 80’s attire) and not much was going on yet.  they had made some “punch” and were playing a drinking game beer pong. my friends gave me the tour of the place, we chatted, laughed, ran to the store again, and returned to build a fire outside.  i had some interesting chat with a few girls that had just arrived about school and majors.  they had taken some religious studies classes so i mostly was asking them about those.

we went back inside to join the rest of the party, i met a few more new people, carried on conversations with them, danced a bit, laughed with my friends about the punch, and vandilized their kitchen table by adding a few words to the already graffiti that gave it color.  several hours went by before i had realized that it was now 2am.  it has been awhile since i have stayed up that late.  it was at this time that the night changed.

i am from a small town and when you hear someone say that they are from a town close by then you wonder if you know them.  a girl had said she was from hickory and i kindly asked if she was from hickory or a town close by.  turns out she was from hildebran.  she ended up being the younger sister of a close friend in high school that i played soccer with and graduated with who know also lives in charlotte and is a worship pastor at a church here. 

we caught up on the past 6 years since i had last seen her and when she heard that i was a pastor her attitude completely turned.  she kept saying she felt embarrassed about what she had been doing that night.  she was so worried i would say something to her brother or her parents.  by the end of the night she had thrown up and a friend had come to pick her up.  as i was saying bye, she began to cry.  i tried comforting her that i thought nothing different of her,  that i didn’t agree with it but that i thought nothing different and i wouldn’t mention it to her brother.

my heart went out to my friend.  as i stood there in the entry to my friends house hugging this long time friend as she cried on my shoulder to the point she couldn’t respond to what i was saying.  i don’t understand why we feel so guilty or convicted when we are around certain people.  why should it matter that i am a pastor?  i am no different then any other person that was in that room or any of the three couples upstairs frenching out.  why should it matter that you feel the way you do around me and not the same before your CREATOR?  i was just a friend this young attractive girl.  but her FATHER stands beside her every moment.  why are we unaware of his presence in our lives?  why are we ashamed of our friends knowing what we do in secret but not what our father sees.  my heart hurts for my friend.  i pray for her.  i pray for her heart. i pray she finds her identity.  i pray the lord might use me in her life.

its fun to see how the lord breaks us when we go where he went.  he went into the world, and invested in its people.

im yours,
kb

give me.

looking back at several events that have happened, conversations i have had, etc. over the past two weeks, i am beginning to notice how selfish of a person i am.  i’m demanding, i’m greedy, i’m over expectant.   

i feel like i require too much of my friendships.  i want to be #1 all the time.  i expect people to call me for everything so that i myself don’t get bored or so i can be a part of everything.  i tend to tell someone everything i am dealing with before listening to see if they even had a good day.  (maybe thats just because i wear my emotions on my sleeve and i enjoy hearing people’s advise, i don’t know).  i want everyone’s time to match up to mine.  i want it to be about me.  i want people to ask me stuff so i can fill their ears with my words.  at the same time i care about what others have to say and want to hear their words.  but a lot of times it feels like they don’t want to tell me so it ends up me telling them.

the lord calls us to be servants but i feel like i am the one always requiring servants for myself.  if you feel i have required too much of you, forgive me.  i will try to do better.  maybe the time apart has been good.

working on humility.

being still.

after the high schoolers left my house last night from watching spanglish, i decided i needed to take a walk alone to clear my head.  i stepped out the back door into the cool brisk night air.  my neighborhood is quiet at night.  it was about 11:30pm so most people were making their way into their beds for a good night’s rest.  i walked down my side walk and into the street.  the pavement was still went from the rain.  it was still misting some.  i love walking late at night when everyone else has started to turn in.  you feel alone.  the only movement are the birds swooping down to catch the bugs that are pondering just how to get into that pesky street light on the corner.  i continued my lonely walk down the street towards the beginning of my neighborhood.  it was like walking down a dark tunnel because of the rows of townhouses that line the streets.  it reminded me of a two thirty-eight song:

I stood in the street last night,
and laughed at darkened houses and they laughed back at me.
I felt like i was in an old movie,
I just wanted to run away from here forever.

i made my way back to the sidewalk as i turned right onto farmington ridge parkway.  you could see the shimmering trails of the snails crossing the pavement.  several toads hopped along the path also.  it was quiet enough that you could hear the electricity travel through the powerlines above in the moist dense air.  i stood at the entrance to my neighborhood for several minutes.  i watched as two cars drove by disturbing the silence i was being captivated in.  i looked across the street at the dark field wondering what all movement was taking place in the shadows.  it was then i told God that i just didn’t care anymore.  i was tired of the turmoil.  i told him to do whatever he wanted that i didn’t know what i wanted or desired anymore.  i just didn’t care!  i turned and began to make my way back to the house.  i had only walked about thirty feet when i noticed how loud my shoes were walking across the pavement.  so i stopped.  it was silent again.  and then it hit me like a baseball in the back.  “be still and know that i am God.”

i couldn’t tell you how long i stood there.  it was like time stopped.  i no longer felt alone.  i could feel the warmth in my blood instead of the brisk air.  as tired as i was, i was awake.  i didn’t want to move.  i don’t think that i did for a long time.  as i stood there not wanting to move it was like my ears went into mutant mode.  i could hear every little thing around me.  be still and know that i am God. 

i was mezmorized before the Creator.  i was frozen in His creation.  i am sitting here at work and to be honest i am still covered in chill bumps from how amazing it is for the Creator of the entire universe to interact with someone as sinful as me.  right when we are at our lowest He comes to bring us hope.  He comes to embrace us and show we are not alone. 

learning to be still,
-k

the night air.

saturday night i laid in my back yard with jared and denali and had a newcastle while watching an intense lightning storm.  lightning flickered every few seconds almost making you squint from the light.  while seconds later the thunder crashed causing your body to cringe.  i found it amazing that through the chaos of the storm everything else around was calm.  as i laid in the grass the air was calm, the wind was still.  you could smell the rain in the air.  i love that smell just before a storm.  the herizon had that yellowish pink glow that it has when the lights nearby reflect off the clouds.  you could hear the faint whispers of the neighbors across the street on their porch. 

last night i went for a walk with a friend and had a comforting and understanding conversation.  we had just had another one of these intense storms like the night before.  during our walk we came across two deer, a raccoon, a cat, and a turtle we named ralph oscar.  as i traveled home i noticed the moon.  it was the first time i enjoyed sitting at the stop light there at hwy 49 and mallard creek.  the moon was hazy.  it was deep dark yellow with black shadows from the fog covering it almost like a spider web. 

outside of my experience in mexico building a house things have been a little frustrating mainly due to misconceptions that i put on things.  however, god continues to show me that amongst the storm there is peace and quiet.  even when i torture myself by running senios through my mind.  it is when i sit and just trust him, there is peace and quiet.  at church on sunday, david spoke about struggles.  we looked at ecclesiastes.  i love ecclesiastes.  he talked about how we have this misconception that we think bad times are bad for us and good times are good for us.  but in reality the bad times are good for us and sometimes the good times are bad for us.  but one thing david mentioned is that we need to do is not pray about getting out of the storm or for the struggle to end.  but to pray to feel the FULNESS of the storm in order to feel the FULNESS of LOVE from above.  that is what i will do.

waiting to feel,
k

life has purpose.

at church yesterday we continued a series called worship is.  it is divided into four parts: creation, dialogue, obedience, and celebration.  yesterday we talked about dialogue.  we walked through the lord’s prayer part by part and worshiped with song in between.  it was basically a huge time of prayer.  which was good. 

during one of the times of prayer i sat in the floor with my knees to my chest.  as i reflected all the perfect ways that i was created this was my prayer.

“when i sit and try to reflect on all the ways that you have made me perfectly, all that comes to mind are what i believe to be imperfections and i compare myself to those around me.  it is hard not to say ‘if i had this it would be better’.  but you made my eyes green for a reason.  my height, hairy feet, stubby fingers, southern ascent, it is all for a reason.  i see logically and not anylitically (sp?) for a reason.  i am good at building things and not writing for a reason.  i enjoy listening to others more than talking sometimes for a reason. etc. 

my life has a purpose!  i am a child fearfully and perfectly made by your hands.  i will not allow satan to use this world to convince me otherwise!”

livin life purposefully,
-k